Myths of Grieving

For the fall issue of the Ohio Family Physician magazine, I wrote the following essay. The theme of the issue was the topic of Health Myths…….

When people typically hear the term “Health Myths” they typically think of things having to do with misinformation on the internet, misinformation about COVID-19, and other ideas. You probably have never thought about health myths following the end of someone’s life.

My father passed away during the tragic year of 2020, when many people died, masks were the norm, and a COVID vaccine was still unavailable. My father did not pass away from COVID infection, but for about nine months through that year, he suffered with the cancer diagnosis called glioblastoma, which for some is a rapidly growing brain tumor that eventually took his life.

Before he passed away, I was using all of my Family Physician skills to help my own family through this process. However, after he was gone, I felt as lost as we were all trying to process what happens now? There are a lot of myths when it comes to grieving, and I want to share three myths that I have experienced so I can help others through this mysterious process.

MYTH: Grief Happens In An Orderly Process

Close to the end of my father’s life, the family decided to place him on hospice services. To try to help myself and to help my family through this process, I reached for the book “On Death And Dying,“ by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. As Family Physicians, all of us have probably encountered this book at one point or another in our training. And all of us are familiar with the outlined stages of dying including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

However, through my arrogance, I thought that these were the same steps following death. I thought that these were the steps of grieving, which they are not. Grief does not happen in orderly stages. Grief is a convoluted and complicated process that is very personal and very individualized. Grief does not follow any kind of order.

MYTH: It Takes A Year To Get Over Your Grief

Even before my father passed away, people were telling me that the first year after his death would be the most difficult. Even I talk to patients and families about “the year of firsts.” This refers to the first birthday, the first holidays, the first wedding anniversary, etc. For a long time, I thought that the first 12 months, the first 365 days following the death of a loved one, would be the most difficult.

Unfortunately, this is a myth. Of course, those first holidays and memorable days are difficult, but those ones during the second year are no easier. And what I’m finding out in talking with people, is that sometimes it never gets better. Or, it is going to take more time before things start to ease in your mind.

MYTH: The Goal Of Grieving Is To Find Closure

For a long time, I did think in my head that if I was able to achieve this goal of “closure,“ whatever that means, then I would be able to get on with the rest of my life because in my research and reading, sometimes people just have to “get over it.“ Unfortunately, that is not the case.

The process of grieving is something that I deal with every day, and I will probably deal with for the rest of my life. Grieving is not a means to an end. Grieving is not a process that needs to be completed. Grieving does not have an endpoint for which you can tell people that you have completed the process. Grieving is every day, and it’s ok.

I hope this essay helps even one person through the grieving process. The process of grief is something that is not talked about in our society, for whatever reason. But as a Family Physician, I hope to create a space for my patients, my community, and for all of you to discuss and share openly and without judgment.

September Check-In

Happy September! Yes, where has the year gone? And, yes, I realize that is has been a few months since I wrote here. You know how it goes, when a new year starts, you have all kinds of plans to do this and to do that, and then February comes, and then, you get back to the status quo. Why does this happen? Anyway, I was biking riding recently, and I decided that I had to write a post here.

Over this past summer, I celebrated my 50th birthday. And, usually for me, it takes one of these anniversary birthdays to really make me think and to take things into perspective. I know that sometimes that I seem like I have things all together (in a good way). But, I’m like you in that I have good days and bad days - Good times and bad times. Please don’t try to read into that. Life is good, but there are always improvements that can be made. It’s no secret that my physical health could be better, but that has been always a struggle for me. And, everyone can make some improvements in their mental health.

This check-in is to let you know that I’m still here with the intention to share with you, through my writings, and that I have re-committed myself to not forget about my self-care, and I hope that you are making efforts to do the same as well. Because, before you know it, another few months will go by. I wish you peace. I hope you’re doing well, and I hope that we continue to help each other, one day at a time….

Hot Takes from Super Bowl Sunday

Super bowl 56 has come and gone. Bummed that the Cincinnati Bengals (#WhoDey) didn’t win, but it was actually a good game this year. I had all of my big game treats and food ready to go. And, don’t ask me why, but I actually watched most of that NBC five hour pre-game show. And, don’t ask me why, I actually enjoyed most of it. But, here are some random opinions (my hot takes) from today:

1) About the game itself: Really enjoyed it. You can never count out Joe Burrow, and it came down to the last series of the game, and within the last couple of minutes. That kid and that team will be back. 

2) About the halftime show: Why are people bringing the hate? I thought that it was a good show. Definitely nostalgic. I wouldn’t call myself a hip-hop music kind of guy, but definitely brought back some fun memories from “back in the day.”

3) Best commercial: The LeBron James talking to the younger version of himself. I didn’t even know what company the ad was for, but I enjoyed how it was put together.

4) Can we finally get rid of mask mandates? Did you see any masks in the super bowl tv coverage? Some news channels will be making a big deal about this in the next few days. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-mask. I’m pro mask optional. If you want to wear a mask, that’s cool. But, I think that in many circumstances, requirements for wearing a mask should be going away. That’s my take!

Life Lessons from Re-Connecting

Are there long time friends that you just haven’t talked with since the start of the pandemic? Of course, you were like me, saying to yourself, “Well, we will chat again soon.” Or, “One of these days I’ll give them a call again.” But, it’s now been two years. Two long years.

I challenged myself this week. I had some days off from work, and it was my goal to re-connect with some people whom I haven’t talked with in a while. And, even though it’s been two years, it felt like we picked up right where we left off at our last conversation. Do you have friends like that? Through my experiences this week, there are definitely lessons that I have learned that I want to share with all of you.

1) Isolation should never be the new normal: Ever since the beginning of the pandemic, one of the most commonly used phrases, that is now stuck in our heads is “social distance.” Of course, from an infectious disease standpoint, I understood its importance. However, this made it easier to just stay at home, and just isolate yourself from the rest of the world. After months and months of doing this, it became the new normal (whatever that means). Following my experiences this week, I will never fall into isolation again. Humans need to be with other humans, in-person. Don’t get caught in the “social distancing” trap.

2) Consent is key to re-connect with friends: In addition to the “social distancing” trap, we have been conditioned to stop any kind of social physical contact. Recently, I had someone scold me for trying to shake their hand. How we try to get back is using consent and asking permission. For example, asking if it’s ok to shake someone’s hand, or to give a hug, or to even take off your mask. Some people are ready to try to get back to social physical contact like shaking hands, and some people are not. My advise is to meet people at the comfort level they are comfortable at. This pandemic has caused a lot of fear in people. Asking consent can help people work through their fear.

3) We need each other’s stories: During pandemic isolation, you cannot help but think about yourself, and drive yourself crazy. Getting caught up with my friends this week made me realize that we need other people’s stories to help shape our own life story. I really believe that we are a piece of every person that we meet throughout our life. And everyone else’s life experience adds to my own. However, in isolation, there has been so much missing in my life, and this week has started to re-add some missing pieces.

4) There is nothing like laughter with friends: During this pandemic, I’ve been trying to keep my spirits up with watching things like comedy TV shows and comedy movies. However this week, in talking with long time friends, the laughter that I experienced was another old friend that I haven’t seen in a while. You must have friends like this, right? If you do, and you haven’t talked with them in a while, you must reach out and re-connect. You won’t regret it.

So, here’s my challenge to you, and it is similar to the challenge I made myself this week. Make a list of people whom you haven’t talked with since the beginning of the pandemic. Do what you need to do to re-connect, whether it be call them, text them, and/or meet up with them. I assure you that you won’t regret it, and it’s just another step to get you through this pandemic...

Olympics and Mental Health

“The thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat.” This was the iconic tagline from the Wide World of Sports show when I was growing up back in the day. What’s so interesting to observe is the attitude of the press and the public during events like the Olympic Games. The hype and the expectation leading up to sporting events like this is incredibly high, that I don’t know how these athletes deal with this.

For example, the press coverage today will be focusing on Mikaela Shiffrin who did not finish her 2nd race in the last 2 days. She was heavily favored to win multiple gold medals, and now in an interview following the race she said she was “questioning a lot of things.” Even 2 days ago, the Washington Post had an article entitled. “Mikaela Shiffrin makes a surprising error, and the Olympic monster awakens.”

Of course, this Olympic pressure is not only on US athletes. Zhu Yi is an American-born ice skater who is on team China. She suffered a fall during her program earlier this week, and social media in China embarrassed her on social media. I point you to the CNN article entitled, “What to do about the social media shaming of skater Zhu Yi.”

Stories like these have been very common at the Olympic Games. That is, until the year 2020. At the summer games, gymnast Simone Biles withdrew from some olympic events sighting focusing on her mental health. A few weeks earlier, tennis star Naomi Osaka withdrew from major tennis tournaments sighting the same thing. It was the summer of 2020, where I saw press discussions and public discussions about the mental health of these elite athletes, some of whom are still teenagers or in their 20s.

So, it will be interesting to see public perception and press coverage of the Mikaela Shiffrin situation in the next few days. And of course, discussion of mental health in athletes will inevitably shift to discussions about mental health for all of us. Our own mental health is something that is not talked about that much, except when newsworthy items bubble up in the press. One of the few positive things out of this pandemic is discussion of our mental health. 

We need more discussions about mental health, especially how the pandemic has affected us. We definitely need more resources for mental health for the public in general, and for mental health professionals specifically. Hopefully this mental health conversation will continue beyond these olympics....

Olympics 2022

I don’t know what it is, but the Olympic games has always captured my imagination, even going back to when I was 11 years old, and watching Scott Hamilton ice skating in Sarajevo. Has it really been 38 years since that performance?

Whether it be the winter games, or the summer games, I always have tried to think about what has been like to be an Olympic athlete. You always hear the personal stories about how these athletes sometimes start their training as a young child, and all the sacrifices that they have made to try to achieve their dream. What happens when they succeed, or, even more interestingly, what happens if they fall short of their ultimate goal?

In addition to learning about sport and personal stories, the Olympics also started my interest in learning about current events, particularly world geo-politics. Now, I am no expert in world affairs, but through sport, I started to learn as a young man, that the world is a small place, and even though political events occur thousands of miles away, they can impact things locally. 

I know that there are many controversies with regard to China being the host country for the 2022 winter games, and those controversies should be talked about and explored. However, politics should not overshadow the athletes and their achievements. In a way, I’m still that 11 year old kid watching sport, and having eternal hope that the world will be a better place.

February Check-In

So, happy February. First of all, thanks to everyone who has reached out to me asking why I haven’t been in the office for the past couple of days. Just wanted to let everyone know that I am ok. I am not ill, and I do not have COVID. I had some planned time off at the beginning of February, and I’ll be back at work soon. I appreciate everyone’s concern.

It’s the first Monday in February just wanted to check in with everyone. For me, January started off well for me. I made some small changes for myself, both from a personal standpoint, and from a professional standpoint. For example, I’ve really enjoyed writing and posting essays again. Then, like usually happens, and things go backwards. With this brief time off, this is time for me to reset things, and to get back on track. 

How did your first month of the year go? If you’re like me and falling back into bad habits, don’t beat yourself up too much. This is a new month, a new week, and a new day. Today is the day to forget about the past, to start anew, and to set new goals - At least that is what I’m going to tell myself. 

One step forward at a time. That’s a kind of mantra that I try to tell myself every day. Even if it’s a baby step forward, it’s a step forward. Something that I have learned in this process is that there are a lot of people like me out there who are going through the same thing. Let’s stick together. Never think you’re alone out there. Check in. Say hello, and let’s move forward - Together. Thanks for reading this, and I wish you a great week!

MLK Day To Me

As an Asian-American man, I do not pretend to know what it’s like to be a Black man today. And, I do not pretend to know what it was like to be Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr in the 1950s and 1960s. All I know about that time is what I have seen in television and on the internet.

So, on this national holiday, where we, as a nation, are asked to remember this man and his message. And, it’s so frustrating, because I feel that whatever I say, will be interpreted through a political lens. And, in the polarizing world, holidays like this is another opportunity for the political partisans to take verbal shots at each other. Do other people feel that way?

I guess each year, I try to read and learn a little bit more about MLK’s life other than the 1963 March on Washington and the iconic “I Have A Dream Speech.” I know that this man is so much more than this snapshot in time. But, the emotions generated when I read about those events, and placed in the context of the world at that time - just inspiring. 

So, I hope people think of MLK day a more of a day of work or a day of school. In today’s world of COVID, the message of MLK still resonates and gives me hope for the future. Thank you for reading this, and I hope you have good start of the week...

Remembering The Snow Day

It’s so interesting, because this photo was taking this very week in 2019, otherwise known as Pre-Pandemic times. I’ve been looking at the forecast over the past couple of days, and some people are saying that for around here, we may expect 12 inches of snow or more.

Monday is a holiday for a lot of people out there (not me). But, when snow is forecast like this, it really makes me think back to “back in the day” when I was hoping, as a little kid, for that snow day. The kids don’t know this, but we didn’t have the “all call” or the internet or any of that technology. We had to wait, and wait, and wait, around the AM radio (yes, an AM radio) or maybe on television for the  snow day announcement. Remember that?

Then, when it happened, there was an enormous amount of joy that went through my kid body. I tried to think about what kind of snowman I would make, and those snow angel things. What did you do on those snow days back in the day?

As, things were so much simpler back then, at least things seemed simpler back then. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to those Snow Days as kids. Thanks for reading this, and I wish you a great day!

Snowstorm Coming: Calm Down People

Yes, our weather friends are giving us the heads-up that we may be getting some snow going into early Monday morning. You know what that means? Yes, people just go nuts and crazy for the coming snowstorm or the cute name that they will call this on social media, whether it be “snowpocalypse” or “snowmageddon” or whatever.

I don’t want to be all snarky (but I know that’s why you love me) but let me be the first to say (again), “Hey people, it’s January and we live in Ohio. It’s gonna snow sometimes.” Why do people always buy all the bananas, toilet paper, and alcohol? Well, the last part I get. If you’re gonna be hold up at home, why not some booze. (Disclaimer: As a medical professional, I have to advise people to take EVERYTHING in moderation. Thank you and back to your blog post)

Anyway, it’s just interesting to me to watch the human reaction to episodes like this. For some reason, when any kind of weather even is forecast to happen, anxiety sets in, and a lot of people’s first reaction is to stock up on certain things for weeks, even though the weather event (sometimes) quickly moves through the area.

Finally, going into the weekend, I again want to thank everybody for the cool growth of followers of this Facebook page, and for all your comments, reactions, shares, etc. I feel a real online community growing here, and giving you some kind of connection to others, even though we have to “physically distance.” Thanks so much for reading this, and I hope all of you have a great weekend! Stay strong and stay safe....